


Let Me Love You Again

by TeamKalinda



Category: Good Wife (TV)
Genre: F/F, Friendship/Love, Hurt/Comfort
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-12-10
Updated: 2011-12-10
Packaged: 2017-10-27 04:30:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,335
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/291644
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TeamKalinda/pseuds/TeamKalinda
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Alicia misses Kalinda - has since the moment the petite investigator lowered her head in shame and, at her own request, walked out of her office and her life. It was only her own stubbornness that had kept her from saying something to her all this time. But, when she overhears at the Lockhart/Gardner Christmas party that Kalinda is unwell, she just can't stay away any longer.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Let Me Love You Again

**Author's Note:**

> Alicia and Kalinda both seem to have a lot of FEELINGS. I couldn't stay in either of their heads long enough to get everything across, so you get to hear from both of them.

“Have you seen Kalinda?” Will asked, joining the group at the bar.

“I realize the company Christmas party isn’t exactly her type of crowd, but I thought I’d convinced her to stop by at least long enough to have a drink.”

Alicia emptied the shot glass in front of her and signaled the bar tender to pour her another. The alcohol burned in her throat and, at least for a few seconds, took her mind off the fact that the mention of Kalinda’s name had been the first time all evening that she had taken a genuine interest in her colleagues’ conversation.

“I ran into your good friend Cary earlier,” David mused, approaching the bar to order another round for the group of family law attorneys that had gathered across the room.

“He said he got your invitation and would try to drop in. I wouldn’t expect the investigator, though. I happened to see her today as well. It seems that virus that was going around a few weeks ago finally caught up with her. She looked like death. And you know; she’s even less pleasant when she’s sick? Trust me, that one’s absence is a blessing.”

Diane raised a professionally groomed eyebrow at Will.

“I guess your girl isn’t invincible after all.”

 

***

Alicia sat in her car, hand poised to turn the key in the ignition.

“Go home, Alicia.” She spoke the words aloud to herself, but even as she did, she knew she had no intention of heeding her own advice.

She hated everything about Kalinda Sharma. The way the mere mention of her name made her feel uncomfortably apprehensive. The way her heart had dropped when David said she was sick. She hated Kalinda’s laugh, her smile – and herself for not realizing sooner just how much it meant to be one of the very few people that could provoke those rare instances. She hated how cold and distant Kalinda could be and also how sometimes, just briefly and without warning, she wasn’t. She hated how much she hated trying to hate her. And, in that ridiculous moment, more than anything, she hated that Diane had called Kalinda ‘Will’s girl.’

Oh, the irony. It was almost too much to bear.

Alicia’s life was such a mess. Everything around her seemed to fall apart one way or another. She had championed the entire range of human emotions. Just when things started to look up another meteor hit and sent her world careening off in a different direction. What she wouldn’t give for normal, boring. But she wasn’t even sure what that looked like anymore.

_I don’t have friends, Alicia. You were a friend._

Kalinda’s words still haunted her.

Before the election night bombshell, she hadn’t been sure how to describe their relationship. And, as angry as she’d been the day she threw Kalinda out of her office and for all intents and purposes, her life, it had surprised her to hear the other woman use those words.

It seemed as if her feelings for Kalinda had always been complicated and messy…and intense. Did the complexity of it all somehow make it even more worth trying to fix? And tonight of all nights? She knew she might never work up the courage again.

“Just go home,” she muttered under her breath even as she took the onramp to the Eisenhower Expressway. Her GPS knew the way. It was a place she’d programmed in what seemed like eons ago – the night she’d been given a change of address card.

 

***

Kalinda woke suddenly when there was a knock on her apartment door. Her body ached; her head was pounding. She groaned as she forced herself to sit up. She had fallen asleep on the bathroom floor and leaned heavily on the sink as a wave of dizziness washed over her when she tried to stand. Mercifully, she’d been given a reprieve from the worst of the nausea, but a deep fatigue had settled into her bones. She hadn’t felt this ill in a long time.

She didn’t know what time it was, but was fairly sure it was too late for visitors. Not that she had enough visitors to know what typical edicate would be, but she could imagine.

A chill shook through her as she made her way across the living room to the front door. She was simultaneously both too hot and too cold. All of the lights seemed offensively bright. As she opened the door her breath caught in her throat.

She didn’t know what she had been expecting, but Alicia Florrick certainly wasn’t it.

 

***

Alicia hesitated. She’d never seen Kalinda so disheveled. The petite investigator had exchanged her trademark leather jacket and high-heeled boots for a Northwestern University t-shirt and pajama pants adorned with swimming otters. Her cheeks were flushed with fever and her ebony hair was tossled, working its way free from her signature up-do.

“I heard you weren’t feeling well,” Alicia managed once she found her voice. Then she hesitated again.

 _And, what?!_ Her brain screamed. _I thought I’d stop by and take care of you?!_ Jesus Christ. She really should have just gone home.

“I just wanted to make sure you were alright,” she finished abruptly.

Kalinda’s large dark eyes seemed to search her face for an answer to an unknown question. It was clearly an effort just for her to stand there. When she finally spoke the knot of anxiety in Alicia’s stomach only tightened.

“Have you been drinking, Alicia?”

As usual Kalinda’s face gave no indication as to what was going on inside her head. Although she knew she was an amateur in comparison; Alicia did her best to prevent her own feelings from broadcasting in high definition as they had a tendency to do.

“There was a time, Kalinda, not all that long ago, that you wouldn’t have thought that I had to be intoxicated to care about you.”

Something flashed across Kalinda’s features. It might even have been surprise, but it was gone as suddenly as it appeared.

“Come in,” Kalinda said, stepping back to allow Alicia into her apartment.

Alicia had never been inside Kalinda’s home before but she found it surprisingly warm and inviting. There was so much more to Kalinda than met the eye and it was worth knowing. Kalinda was worth knowing. Even if it was hard. Even if it was messy. Even if it hurt.

Alicia’s nerves were on edge as she stepped into Kalinda’s living room, but for the first time that evening she felt as if she was starting to leave her regrets behind her.

 

***

Kalinda felt dizzy and weak. A cold sweat broke out across her forehead as she sat down on the couch watching Alicia’s cultured gaze move over her belongings.

Her home was presentable enough. Her pantry was stocked with the latest from Trader Joe’s or, alternatively, Lucky Charms and Tequila, depending on how stressed she was any given week. But everything else managed to maintain the appearance that an adult with a stable personality resided there.

Her appreciation for architecture made for interesting wall art. Many of the photographs she’d even taken herself. The bookshelf opposite the television occupied almost a full wall and did nothing to hide the often overlooked intellectual part of her personality. She enjoyed all kinds of books and was quite aware of the fact that some of her favorites were rather reveling. Even as off her game as she was, she almost smiled as Alicia pretended not to peruse the titles, but then her heart began to ache again.

What was Alicia doing? What was this all about? She had asked her to walk the other way when she could and she’s done so. As much as she missed Alicia she’d respected her wishes. She’d done everything she could to make sure their paths didn’t cross. She figured it was the least she could do after everything that had happened.

She genuinely cared about Alicia and that wasn’t something she could say about many people. She hadn’t meant to hurt her. Once she had gotten to know her she would have done anything in her power to undo what she’d done; but it was what it was. She _had_ hurt Alicia and if she was lonely now, if _she_ hurt, then she deserved it. But she didn’t deserve this. Alicia was in her home. When she knew her defenses were down. And she’d implied that she cared about her. She couldn’t just show up and do that. It wasn’t fair.

Kalinda was still trying to wrap her mind around what she wanted to say when suddenly Alicia was sitting next to her. She knew her perception was off because the movement seemed so quick that it turned her stomach. She swallowed hard against the fresh nausea but never turned her eyes from Alicia’s face. There was an almost timid uncertainty to her expression that touched on a range of emotions one would never even admit to having in a court of law. It made the aching in Kalinda’s chest even worse.

 

***

“I’m so sorry, Kalinda.”

There was so much more Alicia wanted to say, but she figured that was as good a place to start as any. A confused frown marred Kalinda’s forehead and to Alicia’s horror she actually looked as if she might cry. She shook her head and wrapped her arms tightly around herself.

“Why are you doing this to me, Alicia? I’m so sick. I can’t – I just can’t deal with this right now.”

Alicia desperately wanted to comfort her. To smooth her hair, rub her back, anything. In retrospect she could understand why Kalinda felt ambushed, but when sincere concern had pushed her into doing something that had been a long time coming, the thought of it being perceived that way had never even crossed her mind.

“Do you want me to go?”

Alicia’s voice caught at the end of the question. There was no denying that she was nearly as much of an emotional mess as the woman beside her who was almost too sick to function.

Kalinda shook her head.

“No. No, I don’t want you to go. I want you to tell me why you’re here.”

“I’m here because I owe you an apology and more than anything I hope you’ll accept it.”

Kalinda suddenly appeared extremely fatigued, but she nodded so Alicia pressed on.

“I hurt you because I was hurting. The difference between what you did and what I did is that I knew I was hurting you. I thought it would make me feel better. I thought I could move forward and just forget about you. It didn’t and I can’t. I don’t want to. I miss you. And maybe that’s selfish but - ” Alicia paused, searching for the right words.

“I don’t have friends, either. Not really. It might seem like I do but there’s no one I’m close to – no one I can talk to the way I used to talk to you. I never had anyone like that. But then you were there and since you’ve been out of my life there’s been a hole that no one or nothing else can fill.”

It was clear that Kalinda was quickly loosing the battle she was fighting against the tears forming in her eyes. It was so heartbreakingly distracting that Alicia knew she had to say something to stop it.

“It’s a Kalinda shaped hole.”

Kalinda laughed softly and several tears spilled down her cheeks, but the tension had broken. Alicia gently wiped away one of the tears before continuing.

“I was wrong to try to write you out of my life. I know we’ve both done things we’re not proud of, but those things don’t define who we are. I don’t want to lose you over something like this. You mean so much more to me than that. Maybe it was good for me to step outside of our relationship for awhile. It made me realize just how much I value you. But now I want – no, I need – I need you back. That is, of course, if it’s something you want as well.”

 

***

 

Kalinda was so overwhelmed she could hardly breathe. Did she want this? More than anything. And she wasn’t even sure all _this_ entailed. But it also scared the hell out of her and was more than her exhausted mind could process at the moment.

Alicia _had_ hurt her, though she wasn’t sure if it was anymore on purpose than it had been in self defense. The pain cut just as deep either way. To let Alicia back in now, after she’d learned to live with the loss of whatever it was they’d had – that was just asking to make herself vulnerable again. But it was worth it, wasn’t it? Alicia was worth the risk.

Suddenly Kalinda was full-on crying – failing entirely to choke back sobs that shook her to the core. She had seemingly no control over her emotions. Under normal circumstances such a situation would have terrified her, but then Alicia touched her face again – cool fingers tenderly wiping the tears from her flushed cheeks - and the panic ebbed almost instantly.

“It’s alright. It’s alright, sweetheart,” Alicia whispered, gently stroking her hair.

“Just let me be here for you now. Everything else will work itself out in time.”

Kalinda nodded and allowed Alicia to pull her into her arms. She half expected an awkwardness that never came.

Alicia’s heartbeat and the rhythm of her breathing were reassuring. Kalinda’s tears seemed to stop on their own as she slowly allowed herself to slip into the steady cadence. She needed this more than she’d ever imagined possible – to be touched, comforted. Kalinda closed her eyes and drank in the warmth of Alicia’s arms holding her close, tentative but secure.

“That’s my girl,” Alicia said, rubbing Kalinda’s back soothingly.

“You just rest now. I’m right here if you need anything. I’ll be here. I promise.”


End file.
